In the "Heterosexually Privileged Public Sex Acts Department," case #267934968...
"He's in uniform, in public, and definitely caught in flagrante. But investigators said the state police officer caught on camera having sex on the hood of a car did not commit a crime."
Apparently,
Santa Fe, New Mexico is the new hotbed of wild public sex for municipal employees.
Bert Lawrence Lopez was videotaped by security cameras fucking a woman in (ew) ballet slippers, while her chihuahua -or a prairie dog- watched. So, basically, this is a case of man on car with dog/voyeur sex.
One news station repeatedly stated in its segment that the images "MAY BE OFFENSIVE," then proceeded to show the screencap a dozen times in two minutes.
No charges. Mmm. Okay. So, is it because he is straight that he wasn't charged? Is there some specific note in the Santa Fe police officers manual that states, "You may bang a chick on the hood of your car, in daylight, in public"?
"The pictures show a state cop wrapped up in an inappropriate position, having sex on the top of a car in public. The photos were taken by a security camera at the out of the way Canyon Ranch, which is owned by Santa Fe county.
State police are not releasing the officer's name, but News 13 has learned it's Bert Lopez. The 8-year vet was state police officer of the year in the Santa Fe district in 2010. Even though state police won't confirm it's him, NMSP Sgt. Tim Johnson did tell News 13 that Lopez is currently, “On administrative leave.”
Johnson wouldn't say if the officer was officially on duty but did say “An employee who did something like this in uniform would be considered on duty.” The pictures surfaced about two weeks ago, and Johnson said, “An internal investigation was initiated immediately.” [Yeah, I'm sure they watched it a lot!]
State police have completed that investigation, and Johnson says “At this point we do not believe any criminal activity occurred.”
State Police are not identifying the woman in the pictures, and won't comment on her relationship to the officer. They do say the woman was not involved in any of the officer's cases.
Santa Fe County Sheriff Robert Garcia said he will not cite the officer for indecent exposure or public lewdness because there was no victim; no one was around to see it."
So, if an ass thrusts in the desert and no one's there to smack it, did it thrust at all? Quite existential, or just a re-enactment of a
Reno 911 episode.
Here's the alleged stud photographed in a
previous and unrelated story.
He's cute in a Kevin James kind of way. His sexiness is more contextual. 'Yes, Officer, I was speeding. Yes, Officer, I'd be happy to fellate you in exchange for not getting a ticket.' Thus ensues the plot of a gajillion porn movie scenes, gay straight and otherwise.
While I'm going to refrain from detailing my own hilariously sexy experiences with men in uniform right now, I should state that I find public sex to be a good thing; so long as no youngsters or horses are nearby to get frightened.
I think we need to adopt something like the Swedes did, a "hooker zone," where lonely men can negotiate with lady ho's. As for gays, we always find a place.
But the thing that bugs me about this is, if it were a gay sex hump caught on tape, they'd both be in jail right now. You know it's true.
It'd also be
hotter ... or not. At least they'd pose in a more photogenic angle.
UPDATE: Oops.
Bert got canned. Oh, well, maybe he can do porn and show us his can.
But more important, how will
the Chihuahua ever recover from the trauma?
Up-UPDATE: OMG,
Bert is frakkin' hawt!
Apparently, before getting fired, he was
awarded a "Challenge Coin" for services beyond the call of duty.
I'll say!
Hooray! Thanks to the hundreds of folks who downloaded my three sex-packed story anthologies this weekend! 
